Looking back

He is not in love with me - it was undeniably painful.

I was amazed by how he makes me feel whole the first time we met. I promised myself that I will close my heart to men after my last painful break-up. But he caught me off guard. I break the promise I have made that soon, will break me. There is something about his soft but inviting scent that lingers on my mind. I then decided to speak my mind, I confessed to him. He only shrugged. He is not ready for commitment. My heart sank, it feels as if I was thrown to a raging waves. There is only two choice, wait for him, or move on. I decided to keep on trying to survive this raging waters and wait.

He once took me to this place, a calm and peaceful lake. Just like how I feel when he is by my side. He put his warm arms around my waist. I closed my eyes and inhale his scent. I try to remember his smell, and lock it inside my head. Perhaps I know that someday I would not be as close to him like I was back then. The moment he sat next to me in the driver's seat is always memorable. I always feel like I can only hear his voice even though the hum of the engine and the music is there to accompany us. Months pass by since I confessed. Still there is no sign that I will hear what I want from him. I keep on waiting. I paid no attention to other men that come my way. Only he means the most to me.

I have changed- I do believe so. Ever since he appears in my life, I become more.. pathetic. I tried every single thing to make him fall for me. Then I starts to think. Is he right guy for me ? Why am I waiting for him ? I shook all those thoughts violently. Maybe my inner part is right. Maybe I should just give in. Maybe.

I made it clear to him- in case he forgotten, that I am still waiting for him. And I will wait until he is ready. To my horror, he replied that he love me like his sister only and he is blessed to have a best friend like me. The pain in my chest seems unbearable and I remember hearing myself crying again. I starts to feel sorry for myself. I questioned myself, why did I do all this that I end up hurting myself ? I try my best to erase him from my mind. As if he never existed. Sometimes I can still smell his scent. And all our memories start to come again. My life was never the same as before. I cry myself to sleep, and woke up feeling down.

Maybe there is hope. Maybe if I waited a little longer, he might change his mind. I have to make another decision. Give up and lose this war, or keep on waiting for something that I am not even sure of. The pain of falling in love and being rejected went pass through my body, pulling me under. And I did not resurface.




Goodbye, I love you